X-Andrew-WideReply: netnews.talk.bizarre,netnews.alt.butt.harp,netnews.alt.prose,netnews.rec.arts.prose X-Andrew-Authenticated-as: 0;andrew.cmu.edu;Network-Mail Received: via nntpserv with nntp; Fri, 15 Apr 1994 14:09:14 -0400 (EDT) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.butt.harp,alt.prose,rec.arts.prose Path: andrew.cmu.edu!bb3.andrew.cmu.edu!news.sei.cmu.edu!cis.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!csn!csus.edu!netcom.com!richh From: richh@netcom.com (richh) Subject: RICHH: IN THE BELLY OF THE BISTRO Message-ID: Followup-To: poster Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest) Date: Fri, 15 Apr 1994 16:16:23 GMT Lines: 66 Xref: bb3.andrew.cmu.edu talk.bizarre:60868 alt.butt.harp:471 alt.prose:1568 rec.arts.prose:1608 Our story thus far: Jonah, the wily scoundrel, was thrown overboard during a heated debate with the cabin boy over the question of man's place in the universe and Aquinas' ontological arguments concerning the existence of debutantes. He floated for days on a piece of wood with no comfort except his well-thumbed copy of "Nausea". He was happy until that fateful day when he was swallowed by a sperm whale and found himself... IN THE BELLY OF THE BISTRO!! "So, Jonah," said the whale, "enjoy being digested? Hungry? How about...SOME MORE *PLANKTON*! Goes down easy. Real nice." "Argh. You heartless creature of the seas. I cannot eat any more plankton." "Say, how about a nice lobster? I see one, just up ahead." "I am no fool, you stupid smelly thing. There is no lobster ahead. It is another of your stupid taunts. Now bring me some espresso." "Ha, Jonah. I am not your handmaiden; I am the instrument of your erasure. I demand respect." "Make it a double." said Jonah. "And I need a light--never mind, I have found one. Ah--to smoke..." "Cloves?! Jonah, you fool, you are making me ill." "That espresso, or I'll start reciting some Beat poetry you won't like THAT very much now WILL YOU?!" The whale was distressed. "Put out that cigarette, you wily captive." "Okay, you asked for it. Shall we begin with, oh, some Ferlinghetti? No? Okay, prepare to HOWWWWWWWWLLL!!!!!!." Jonah stood up, adjusted his beret so that its angle was especially jaunty and began, "I saw the best minds of my generation.--" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Here's your espresso. Now stop. Please stop." "You call this espresso? This is made with sea water! Time for some imagists. No ideas but in things, you know. so much depends upon a red wheel barrow glazed with--" The great beast let out a thunderous cry and Jonah was brought a proper espresso. Time passed. Jonah quickly ran out of cigarettes. He wanted out and he knew just what he had to do. "Perhaps," he said, "you have heard of the MTV spoken word tour. I think I'll recite for you the best of Maggie Estep. Here's one called 'Angry piss-twat.'" The whale was nauseated. "Now, I think you'll like our good friend Max Flagg: Sky fits heaven so ride it ride it Child fits mother so hold your baby tight--" The great beast vomited and Jonah was eventually scooped up in a sea of ambergris and became perfume. RICHH