LOST IN TV HELL. EPISODE 1
 
I'm trying to call Phoenix, misdial and get Fiji.  So I ask the guy
for instant credit.  He says you can't get instant credit.  I said
I always did when I had  AT&T.  He says, "You're not dealing with
AT&T.
 
Well I am now.
 
I am now.  
 
I am now.
 
So this branch manager guy calls me up from one of these other
long-distance  carriers, right?  And he says he heard about my
problems with the Phoenix-Fiji  thing and that he was very very
sorry and would I please reconsider using his  company?  He says
he'll cut the basic rate in half, give me free pay-cable for  a
month and even set up a date for me with his nubile young daughter. 
I say,  "Wow, AT&T never gave me so much." He says, "You're not. . .
 
So a little while later the guy from AT&T calls and says he heard
about my  "defection from the flock."  He says his kid's gotta eat
too and then he starts bawling into the phone--blubbering just like
a woman.  So as much as I want to  nail this one guy's daughter, I
say sure, hook me back up.
 
No sooner does the AT&T guy hang up but the other guy calls me back
and this  time he's crying.  And he brings his daughter to the
phone and she's crying  too.  And then he faxes me this naked
picture of her, but like, the good parts  are all covered up.  And
she's something real sweet, too, something like I  ain't seen in a
while.  I say I'm still not sure and so I hear him start  fiddling
with something and his daughter starts screaming, "No daddy, don't 
kneel on the tatami mats, don't part your robe, don't. . ."   I
hear the guy  say, "You be my second, daughter; fetch the katana."
"No daddy, please daddy. . ." So now this guy is going to commit
ritual suicide, and like it's gonna be on my head or something,
when the call waiting goes off. So I yank the phone out  of the
wall, and fashion it into a noose when there's a knock at the door
. . .