Selected-By: David BREMNER The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, who is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful > than a locomotive, and able to leap tall supplicants in a single > bound... > > Since the murder of my parents by a mugger, I have dedicated my life to > fighting crime. I have studied criminology at the best schools, > mastered several martial arts, honed my body into a weapon, and > invented a number of useful hi-tech gadgets. I am ideally suited to a > life of fighting crime, but something is missing. > > Criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot, but they're not afraid > of me. I need something to frighten them when I first arrive on the > scene. Could you please give me some ideas? > > --Bruce W. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Inventiveness and adaptiveness is an important part of the training of } the modern superhero. You must come up with your own solution, though } I'll allow you to learn from others' failures. } } (1) The Fly. Eminently fearsome for criminals and stealthy at night. } First problems noted when criminals started wearing Australian hats } with corks hanging off them. Limited ability to cooperate with police. } When officers shouted "Raid!", superhero would run in opposite } direction. } } (2) The Professor. Long black academic gown invited respect. Extremely } logical and able to deduce the identity of culprits based on small } amounts of evidence. Ability of limited use as The Professor would stop } to publish journal papers on methods. Soon dropped out of the public } eye as he sent grad students along to every crime after the first few. } } (3) Cowman. Initially little respect or fear from criminals. They } soon felt the brunt of Cowman's udder-gun which shot supersonic jets of } milk. Then Gary Larson came along and cocked up the whole image. } } (4) McEnroeman. Noted for his gold-plated tennis racquet and white } shorts. Unable to secure convictions as he insisted on money in advance } before entering any court, and continuously argued that the Judge } "CAN-NOT BE SERIOUS". Partner "The Wonder Graf" even less impressive. } After defeating nearly every criminal in the world, The Wonder Graf was } unexpectedly beaten by a nine year old first time shoplifter. } } (5) Pink Floyd. Noted 70s supergroup embarked on a life of } crimefighting using high-technology apparatus soon after the relative } failure of their album "Obscured by Clouds". Initially promising career } with near-victory over Darth Vader sidelined after The Floyd came under } the influence of "The Dark Side". } } (6) U.N. Securityforceman. Completely useless. Arriving on scene of } crime U.N. Securityforceman would make dire threats as to the fearsome } punishment to be inflicted on the criminals, who would merrily continue } with their business. } } (7) London Undergroundman. Has solved every crime committed in the } tunnel between Charing Cross and Leicester Square stations in the last } five years. Expected to devastate London's criminal community when the } train he's on is finally restarted. } } (8) The Bobbit. While little immediate effect has been noted, The } Bobbit's efforts are expected to vastly reduce the numbers of criminal } elements in future generations. } } You owe The Oracle a skintight lyrca bodysuit with a big O on the } chest.