Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does she really love me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are many classic methods for determining this, such as the "She } loves me, she loves me not ..." test, though there is a growing volume } of scientific evidence to suggest this method is inaccurate about 45% of } the time. } } However, there is indeed a more accurate method, here it is, the } } "Great Usenet Oracle's Does She Love Me Test". } } This test normally retails for $20.00 but as you're the first person to } try it, I'll let you have a discount. } } Just try and enact the situations, note her response, and add up the } points. } } 1) You suggest going 'somewhere special' for an evening, she spends two } hours putting on make-up and selecting a *stunning* dress to wear. The } 'somewhere special' turns out to be a local greasy burger bar. Does she: } } a) Think it's a hilarious joke, and enjoy her burger. (10 points) } b) Eat her burger in silence and not speak to you for the rest } of the evening (6 points) } c) Throw the burger in your face, and take the taxi home. (3 points) } d) Go and get the burger for you, wait until you've eaten yours, } and then tell you she bribed the kitchen staff to put rat poison } in it. (0 points) } } 2) She has been away for two weeks when she comes back you meet her, } when she asks "Have you missed me?", you answer "I noticed your } absence". Does she: } } a) Laugh at the joke and insist on going straight to bed in order } to catch up for the last two weeks. (10 points) } b) Look annoyed, and pretend to ignore it. (6 points) } c) Slap you round the face and take a taxi home. (4 points) } d) Knee you in the groin so hard that you pass out with the pain. } (0 points) } } 3) You come home from a hard days work, the socks you have been wearing } for two weeks are getting a bit crunchy, you take them off and throw } them at the wall, one of them sticks. Does she: } } a) Lovingly pick up the socks, inhale the odour, and declares that } they are a great monument to your manlyness. (10 points) } b) Pick them up and put them in a washing basket, to be washed } and ironed by her later. (7 points) } c) She picks them up (with tongs) and throws them in the bin. } (2 points) } d) Calls you a "smelly pig" and throws both the socks and you } out. (0 points) } } 4) You have taken the afternoon off work to fix your car, when she gets } home she notices you have torn up one of her nicest dresses to clean the } carburetor with. You explain the importance of using silk to clean out } the delicate parts. Does she: } } a) Say that you should have used her grandmothers antique wedding } dress instead, given how important it is. (10 points) } b) Go in the house, slam the door, but forgive you later. (7 points) } c) Demand you buy her a new dress and threaten to call a lawyer } if you don't. (4 points) } d) Remove the petrol cap, stuff he remnants of the dress in and } put a match to it. (0 points) } } } 5) You go out for the evening with the 'lads' (without mentioning it to } her) and when you get home at 1am drunk and stinking of beer. Is she: } } a) Lying in bed, naked, waiting for you to come home and make love } to her, she is so lustful she doesn't care where you've been. } (10 points) } b) Asleep. (5 points) } c) Waiting for you to come in, and then screams at you for being } late. The usual "Where have you been ? " etc etc. (3 points) } d) Lying in bed, naked, with someone else. (0 points) } } } SCORING } 0-9 points } I think you're onto a loser here, dump her, and look for someone } more 'understanding' } 10-19 points } Not a complete disaster, but fairly close. } 20-29 points } A reasonable compromise, she might improve given time and } 'training'. } 30-39 points } I think on balance, she does love you. } 40-49 points } Almost the perfect relationship. She does love you. You will make } a wonderful couple. } 50 points } You must have made an error and mistaken your woman for Lisa. } } You owe the oracle $19.95 for this test.