RICHH:  STEAMBOATS SPINNIN'

     Howard was writing a new story.  I looked over his shoulder. 
He had written:  "Steve walks warily down the street."
     "Whatcha workin' on, How?  Sounds like a hard-boiled, Raymond
Chandler kind of a deal."
     "We'll see.  I've just had this line going through my head. 
Figured it was time to write it down."
     "I grabbed his pen and added to the line so it read:  "Steve
walks warily down the street with the brim pulled way down low."
     He looked at it.  "Hey, that's cool.  Can I use that?"
     "Um, How.  I don't know quite how to tell you this, but that
line.  It's not yours."
     "Whaddayoumean?  I thought of it this morning."
     "What line," said Karen, from the living room.  She was
wearing biker shorts, a Campagnolo hat, and a Nekromantik t-shirt.
     "Take a look."  She came over to where we were and looked at
it.  Then she said, "Hey, isn't that from..."  She looked at me and
I put my finger to my lips in a 'shhh' gesture.
     "It's from a song, How."
     "No way."
     "Honest.  A song you've heard zillions of times.
     "Are you *sure*?  What song?  Tell me."
     "It'll come to you, eventually," said Karen, who was holding
an old copy of Spy magazine.  She ran back into the living room and
sat down sideways in the blue chair, her feet over the side.  She
was chewing on a pen, working on the Roy Blount crossword puzzle. 
     "All right," she yelled.  "I need a five letter word.  Here's
the clue:  'Once an airport.  Gets things moving'."  Howard looked
at me.  He was still working on his story.  He lit a joint.  
     "You're not bullshitting me?  It's from a song??  A song I
*know*??"
     "Honest."
     He crumpled up the paper and took a huge drag off the joint. 
The paper hit me in the eye.
     "How," I said to him quietly.  "The answer, to that crossword. 
It's 'ex-lax'."  I remembered it from before.  It was an old issue.
     "Shit.  You're right."  He exhaled.  Maria was slapping out
the bass line to 'Another One Bites the Dust'.  Karen must have
told her about Howard's "story".
     "Howard," said Maria, "Do you know the chord changes?"
     "I could bluff through em.  It's not a tricky song."  He
plugged in his Telecaster.  
     This is what he sang, I swear it:
 
     [Steamboats spinnin' around my feet, ain't no way I go.
      Ain't no sound but the sound of speed, machine guns ready to 
           go
      Are you happy?  Are you satisfied?
      Are you hanging on the edge of your seat--]
 
     Maria stopped.  "You really don't know what song that line of
yours is from, How?"
     "Tell me!"
     "It'll come to you."
     "I had this weird dream," said Karen.  "I told Howard.  He
called it my Debbie dream."
     "Debbie dream?"
     "Yeah.  Because in it, Debbie Harry was slunched down like
this in a chair..."  Karen sat up and then slid down in the chair
until her butt was just at the edge.
     "...and Debbie Gibson was sucking on her toes, working her way
up."
     "Wow," said Maria.  "Awesome."
     "It all started because Howard showed me this picture--"
     The book was 'Rock n Roll Babylon'.  In it, there's a picture
of an early '80's Debbie Harry in concert wearing only a Doctor X
t-shirt that came to very high on her thigh.  The picture was a
sever low-angle shot and from it it is clear that whatever money
Ms. Harry saved on wardrobe she spent on shaving cream.  Karen
loved the expression on the singer's face.  She called it, 'one of
bemused detachment'.  I call it, 'Reds.  Lots of reds.'
     The tv was on:  "...'Hazard', the dark side of Richard Marx."
     "Oh give me a fucking break.  What rocket scientist decided
that Richard Marx needed a 'dark side'?  Check out these
testimonials."
     One girl said, "The whole video just gives you a real...creepy
feeling."
     "Ooooooh, scaaaaaary."
     Then, this doofus adds, "The video, each time you see it.  It
keeps messing with your mind."
     Karen added, "Like that picture you see in books, sometimes. 
Is it two vases, or two faces!!??  Man, that's some scary-ass shit! 
That shit'll fuck with your head, no lie!"
     "Jessie's boy--the dark side of Rick Springfield."
     "Shake your love...IN MY *FACE*!  the horny side of Debbie
Gibson.
     "Mother Figure--the Oedipal side of George--"
     "Yeah yeah.  C'mon 5 letters.  Once an airport.  Gets things
moving..."
     Howard stood behind her.  "Well, what airports do we know? 
LaGuardia, Kennedy, Dulles, O'Hare..."
     "Oooh, LaX," said Karen.
     "Once," said Howard.  "Could that mean 'formerly'?"
     "Oooh.  ExLax.  Coolness."  She reached up and pulled Howard's
head down to hers and kissed him.
     Howard was learning.
     "Are Josh and Erin coming over?" asked Karen.
     "I think they want us to go over there for a change."
     "Waiting for God's favorite angel, Lucifer, to fall--the dark
side of Boy Meets Girl."
     Maria started playing again.
     "You know, How, I really don't think that the word 'steamboat'
shows up anywhere, in *any* Queen song.  Well, maybe 'Killer
Queen', but..."
     "Fine.  Make fun of me."
     "But I do like the idea of steamboats spinning around your
feet."
     "Eat me."
     Karen said, "Ooh.  Release me so I can run out to the Seven-
Eleven because it's late and it's the only thing open and I want
some Ho-Ho's because I'm so fucking fat and Dweezil Zappa sends
Chynna faxes and Bill Idol fucks Wendi in her ass but I'm so fat
all I do is eat and even the guy with the big nose in Color Me Badd
is repulsed by me oh God oh God oh God hey don't Bogart the Haagen-
Dasz--the dark underbelly of Wilson Philips".
        "Come on.  We're supposed to meet them in a half hour."
        "Coolness,"  said Karen.  "I'm gonna wear...a corset!"