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From: richh@netcom.com (richh)
Subject: RICHH:  ROCK, PAPER, SUPERLUMINAL SCISSORS
Message-ID: <richhCLG632.ACp@netcom.com>
Followup-To: alt.prose.d
Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest)
Date: Sat, 19 Feb 1994 01:13:49 GMT
Lines: 130
Xref: bb3.andrew.cmu.edu alt.butt.harp:421 alt.prose:1247 rec.arts.prose:1277 sci.physics:29465 bit.listserv.words-l:34720


---Rock!
---Paper covers rock, Waldo.  
---Damn.

---Paper!
---Scissors cut paper, Arthur.
---I know I know.  

---Rock!
---Superluminal scissors.
---Huh?
---Never mind him, Waldo, you win.
---Rock crushes scissors into paste.  I win, I win!  
---These are superluminal scissors.  You lose, big time.
---Huh?
---He doesn't know what he's talking about, Waldo.  You can't win 
   rock paper scissors with a thought experiment.
---Bull.  If a fist can be a rock, then these can be superluminal 
   scissors.
---Superluminal?
---He doesn't get it, Waldo.  Even if the blades were a light-year 
   long, and your rock was somewhere out there, between them, and 
   he closed them, it would still take at least a year for the    
   message to propagate to the tips.  Ask Mom.
---Mine are super-rigid.
---You wish, hairless one.
---Huh?
---Besides, I'll take special relativity over super-rigidity any  
   day.  The blades bend.  Waldo has plenty of time to move his   
   rock out of the way.
---Ha.  Gotcha, sis!  Now just how do you get the message to the  
   rock so fast?  By the time he sees the blades, it's over.  
---It's moot, anyway.
---Moot?
---Never mind her.  That's what she always says when she's trapped.
---Hardly, little boy.  Since the real upper limit for rigidity is 
   much less than the theoretical upper limit, it'll take a lot   
   longer than a year for those blades to even start closing,      
   allowing me plenty of time to rescue Waldo's rock.
---Thanks, Sara.  I'm hungry.
---Me too.  Mah-ahm!

---You kids hungry?  Wanna go out?
---Yeah!
---I wanna Happy Meal!
---We'll go to that new McDonald's they opened up downtown.
---Cool.  But will we be back for Speed Racer?
---Get in the car.  Let's go.

---Hey, Sis.  What kind of bees come out on Halloween?
---I don't know, Arthur.  What kind of bees come out on Halloween?
---Waldo?
---Boo-bees!
---My but that's clever.
---Now boys, can't you see you're making Sara feel awkward by     
   calling attention to a part of her body she's not fully        
   comfortable with yet?
---Then how come she's always showing them to us?
---It's a defense mechanism.
---Like rationalization, or projection.
---She wishes she had something to project.
---My but you're witty today, Arthur.  
---What do you call smart bees?
---I don't know, Waldo.  What?
---Witty titties!
---Huh?

---What's that, over there, Mom?  That place is new, isn't it?
---That's 'Pie Are Squared', a very trendy, non-Euclidean bakery,
   All the faculty just rave about the place.
---Non-Euclidean?
---I went there once, after lunch.  The food was good, but it left 
   me wanting.  And while a bottomless cup of coffee may be a     
   classic marketing pitch, when the cup really *is* bottomless,  
   it stands to reason you're gonna alienate most of your clientele.

---Here we are!
---I wanna Whopper!
---Um, Waldo, this is McDonald's.
---I wanna Big Mac!
---You never finish them.  Your eyes are bigger than your-
---Mom, what's that?  On the menu.  A Heisenburger Happy Meal?    
   That's new.  
---You want one?  You'll be sorry.
---I want one.
---Me too.
---Me three.
---Three Heisenburger Happy Meals, a Quarter Pounder and a Regular 
   Coke.  And medium fries.

---Wow.  This thing is full of burgers!
---Slow down, Arthur.  Just try and eat one.
---I'm saving mine.
---That's great, Waldo.
---Hey, this stinks.  Every time I reach for a burger, it's       
   somewhere else.  And when it looks like I know where it's      
   headed, it's not there.
---Sucks to be you, Arthur.
---Let's see *you* eat, Sis.
---Watch.
---Hey!
---Yum, tasty.
---How'd she do that, Mom?
---Yeah, Sara.  How *did* you do that?
---I closed my eyes and took a shot.  I've always been lucky.  
---Hey, this sucks!  I got a dead cat!
---Oh, Waldo, you shouldn't have opened the box.
---But I'm hungry.
---Well look outside the McDonald's.  All those burgers appearing. 
   Get one of those.
---Hawking burgers?
---McDonald's is evaporating?
---Look, Sis, help me out.  I'll go inside, you stay outside.  When 
   a burger appears you walkie-talkie me its location and I'll pin 
   down its momentum.  Then I'll eat.
---I don't like dead cat.
---I don't think it'll work, Arthur.  The guy flipping burgers will 
   collapse.
---That's silly.  How can the burger flipper collapse just because 
   I ate a burger?  
---Don't play dice with Mickey-D's, Arthur, you'll be sorry.
---But I'm hungry.
---We gotta go.  Speed Racer.
---Don't worry, Waldo.  We can walk home from here.
---But it took us a half hour just to get here.
---I know a shortcut behind 'Pie Are Squared'.


RICHH