Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, wise and virtuous oracle whose brain is trim and like the steelest
> of traps, tell me, could I trim off my unnecessary brain cells through
> a strict schedule of incessant t.v. viewing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh yes, there's no business like show business when it comes to
} reducing that ugly gray matter.  Used in conjunction with an
} appropriate dietary plan, you can take years off your brain's life,
} dozens of points off your IQ, and even irreversibly loosen your grasp
} on reality.
}
} But you have to Act Now!  Don't delay, because knowledge has a nasty
} way of seeping into your mind, and only severe and repeated doses of
} tubeotherapy can prevent that.  So awa-a-a-y we go!
}
} Saturday:  Cartoons, of course, but nothing so intellectually
} challenging as Tom & Jerry.  For the best in totally vacuous viewing,
} you want mind-numbing classics with poor animation like Space Ghost,
} Bird Man, and SuperFriends ("form of... a bowl of onion jello!").  Whip
} up a tasty cheese-puff omelet, and get set for an afternoon with the
} Smurfs, GummiBears, and the Wacky Racers; it's gonna be a lo-o-ong day,
} and you'll need all the empty calories you can get.  (Warning: some
} shows should be taken in small doses if you're at all diabetic.)
}
} Sunday:  There's nothing to beat the brainstem like those morning
} yakkity-yak shows.  However, to avoid any chance (however slight) that
} those talking heads might impart any shred of knowledge, you should
} watch them with the sound off as you listen to the soothing sounds of
} Zamfir, Master of the Pan Pipes, or perhaps Eva Gabor Does Rap!
} Power-chug a couple of bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs to keep
} your strength up.
}
} Monday:  Calmly call your boss (or professor, as the case may be),
} start to explain that you're being held at gunpoint at a post office,
} and hang up in the middle of a sentence; that will keep them too busy
} to bother you.  You, supplicant, are entering Phase II and are YOU in
} luck: TNT will be airing its Jerry Lewis Marathon for twelve...
} straight... hours.  For maximum exposure, have a port-a-potty installed
} near the TV; you won't want to miss a single slapstick minute.  Since
} you'll soon lose the ability to operate simple appliances like the
} microwave, prepare several helpings of chipped Spam in cocktail sauce
} well in advance.
}
} Tuesday:  If anyone calls, tell 'em your boat sank, or your horse threw
} a shoe.  It won't matter... because your bloodshot, sunken eyes will be
} feasting on Gilligan, Sea Monkeys, and (by special arrangement) seven
} hours of That Girl, followed by I Love Lucy.  Don't worry that you can
} no longer stand upright; you only need shamble between the TV and the
} fridge.
}
} Wednesday:  It's Phase III, and you're doing just fine.  Eh?  No, no,
} *many* species get by without using opposable thumbs; you don't need
} 'em to operate the remote, anyway, and you can just graze on the
} houseplants when you get hungry.  Right after McHale's Navy, catch a
} couple hours of the Home Shopping Channel.  Later, "Nick at Night" will
} treat you to "Scooby-Do Meets the Honeymooners" -- don't miss it!
}
} Wenzday:  by now truble unnrstan simpl sntnc bzzzz whrrrrr
} hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm .....
}
} Uhhh, supplicant?  Supplicant?  Hmmm.  Somebody prop him up, or he'll
} miss "The Best of The Gong Show"... and see that he sends me a copy of
} Flowers for Algernon -- and the Unabridged Ren & Stimpy Collection.