Newsgroups: sci.astro,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology Path: news.cinenet.net!tor-nx1.netcom.ca!baron.netcom.net.uk!netcom.net.uk!cpk-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.bbnplanet.com!sunqbc.risq.qc.ca!wesley.videotron.net!Pollux.Teleglobe.net!uunet!in3.uu.net!world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: News of Dr. Abian's Death Exagerrated? (Was THE ORBIT ...) Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Hello-To: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 6 Jul 1998 08:14:28 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 9931 centons, 78 microns, .01 nutria References: <6nka5s$49c$1@news.iastate.edu> <35A02B18.303A@kw.igs.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0a001.std.com Organization: welcome datacomp X-Newsreader: MT-NewsWatcher 2.4.4 Lines: 140 Xref: news.cinenet.net sci.astro:86258 sci.physics:136682 alt.religion.kibology:67440 X-Cache: nntpcache 1.0.6 (see ftp://suburbia.net/pub/nntpcache) In Alexander Abian's favorite five sci.* newsgroups, Kent Nickerson (knickerson@kw.igs.net) wrote: > > Is this a joke? The following message appeared recently: > > > AMES -- Dr. Alexander Abian, 67, died Friday, June 19, 1998, in the Mary > > Greeley Medical Center, Ames. He was emeritus professor of mathematics > > at Iowa State University and a member of the Collegiate Presbyterian > > Church. Dr. Abian was an international expert on set theory and authored > > numerous scholarly publications in his field. Survivors include his > > wife, Ella Mae Abian; two sons, Andrew Abian, Ames, Ia., and Richard > > Abian, Captain Cook, Hawaii; two daughters, Maria Abian, Pahoa, Hawaii, > > and Benita Abian, West Bethesda, Md.; three sisters; four brothers; five > > grandchildren; and several nieces and nephews. Funeral services will be > > held Monday, June 22, 1998, at 3:00 PM, in Adams Funeral Home Chapel > > with internment to follow at Iowa State University Cemetery. Visitation > > will be open to family and friends. In lieu of flowers, the family > > encourages donations either to the Collegiate Presbyterian Church, 159 > > Sheldon Ave., Ames, Ia. 50014, or to the charity of your choice. Adams > > Funeral Home, 502 Douglas Ave., Ames, Ia. 50010, 515-232-5121. I thought his age was different. Like, maybe, "1 Abian". Also, he's not an international expert on set theory; he can only do Boolean logic within the United States, as he doesn't speak Esperanto. Oh, yeah, and he's not dead. You're confusing him with DeForest Kelley from "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". And now, a Usenet post from BEYOND THE GRAVE! > From: abian@iastate.edu (Alexander Abian) > Subject: THE ORBIT AND THE TILT OF THE PLANET EARTH MUST BE ALTERED > Newsgroups: sci.environment, talk.environment, sci.astro, sci.physics, > alt.sci.physics.new-theories, sci.energy > Date: 5 Jul 1998 04:40:59 GMT > > [Roy Anderson wrote:] > > > > Are you joking? Just curious, here. > > Abian answers: > > No, Mr. Anderson, I am not joking, I do not to joke on the Internet, > and I do not like to joke on matters that should be of a very serious > concern for the entire human race. Also, nobody else jokes about important matters. Just about your obituary. > I am quite serious when I say that the planet Earth was and continues to be > plagued by the awesome devastating natural disasters. What would you call > the climatic catastrophes that just happened these very days in the U,S. > Abdominal fires, floods , Tornadoes, epidemics, etc.. I *swear* he really said "Abdominal fires". Do you think Dr. Abian had been eating Mexican food again? (What the heck did he mean, anyway? "Abominable fires"?) > And these things happen relentlessly , inexorable constantly , every day , > every minute on the planet Earth. Traditional methods of fighting these > natural calamities are FUTILE, ABSOLUTELY FUTILE. Yes, every minute of every day, everyone on the Earth, there are fires and flash floods SIMULTANEOUSLY! And these can only be prevented by CRASHING THE MOON INTO THE EARTH OVER AND OVER AFTER STRAPPING BLASTING CAPS TO OUR FOREHEADS! OK! OK! DILUTE! (Dr. Bronner's 100% Pure Essene Castile Soap. Good for internal use to prevent abdominal fires.) > Human race must not tolerate the present state of cosmic > devastations and human race must and will find various ways of ALTERING > THE ORBIT OF THE PLANET EARTH to get rid of the perennial miseries > and disasters unleashed by celestial ferocious forces. If the Earth moved in a straight line and didn't orbit anything and there were no other stars or planets or galaxies anywhere, ever, would this make Alexander Abian's plan would seem nuttier or less nutty? Mmm, Abian. Now More Nutty. Vacuum-Sealed For Flavor! > No, Mr. Anderson I am not joking. I know whatever idea is not > accepted by the mainstream mentality is called "a joke" I can see it now: Alexander Abian applies this principle to improve his standup comedy act. ABIAN: "I think Lyndon LaRouche should be President! Let's make German the official language of the United States!" (pause for massive laffs) > No, I am not joking and I am proposing altering the orbit of the Earth. Yeah? Well, I am also proposing altering the orbit of the Earth but I *am* joking therefore nobody will be able to decide whether or not to award you the Nobel Prize because they thought you were only joking when you saved the world. By the way, what would happen if "Deep Impact" and "Armageddon" collided, killing Bruce Willis, Robert Duvall, and Steven Spielberg? I mean in real life. That's one movie I might consider *paying* to see. > What are your suggestions and solutions of liberating the human race > from being subjected to fatally disastrous natural calamities? We could use my dad's barn to put on a show! I'm gonna write Davy Jones a letter right now, I just know he'll help us 'cause he's so DREAMY! > What do you propose? To bend our hear and fold our arms and slavishly > accept the continual occurrences of, say, of city obliterating Tornadoes? ! "Bend our hear"? Dr. Abian, you've gone around the bend, you hear? > -- > > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > ABIAN TIME-MASS EQUIVALENCE FORMULA T = A m^2 in Abian units > ALTER EARTH'S ORBIT AND TILT - STOP GLOBAL DISASTERS AND EPIDEMICS > ALTER THE SOLAR SYSTEM. REORBIT VENUS INTO A NEAR EARTH-LIKE ORBIT > TO CREATE A BORN AGAIN EARTH (1990) You forgot the part about returning to Beethoven's musical "A" and piping Wagner music into all public areas and unifying Europe with a rail system whose nexus is in Berlin. Oh, and remember, Queen Elizabeth controls the world drug trade. Yes, I would like to subscribe to your newsletter, and sure, you can borrow my credit card! -- K. So who's going to volunteer to call the funeral home at the number above to warn them that the deceased is still posting crackpot theories to Usenet?