Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: news.cinenet.net!news.ececs.uc.edu!news.kei.com!eecs-usenet-02.mit.edu!netnews.com!howland.erols.net!ais.net!uunet!in1.uu.net!uucp5.uu.net!world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: unprecedented development Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Kibo-Equipment: a distributed Lego robot (distributed by accident) Date: Sat, 28 Jun 1997 05:59:46 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 7748 centons, 83 microns, .01 hrothgars Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 References: <33b5e407.2619146@news.onramp.net> Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0a020.std.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Organization: welcome datacomp X-Newsreader: Yet Another NewsWatcher 2.4.0 Lines: 119 Xref: news.cinenet.net alt.religion.kibology:33810 In article , kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote: > Before I begin quoting myself, I'd just like to explain how to decode my Message-IDs, which like all the headers of my posts are chock-full of wacky funsterism. "kibo-ya" was the secret battle cry of the Beables, a family of superintelligent insects which included Ed Begley, Jr. They put on a show much like The Muppet Show, only they all died horribly before it was over. "Dr." Matt McIrvin is capable of explaining that joke, but he's too BIG now to explain Kibo's jokes because he's a "Dr." Now he has lots of conversations like this one, shouted across a crowded street: Dr. Matt: Hello, Ned. Ned: Hello, Matt McIrvin. Dr. Matt: It's no longer "Matt McIrvin". It's "Dur Matt McIrvin." Ned: What's that first name again? Dr. Matt: "Dur". Ned: Dur, hey! Anyway, after "kibo-ya" comes "0240", which is the number of hours per day in my time zone, measured in decihours, which are 6 minutes long, which is exactly the same length as a Road Runner cartoon with all the violence edited out of it by Ted Turner. Next is "8000", which is the processor speed of my computer in megahertz. Or the speed of yours in millihertz. "R" is a little rubber letter which fell off Dr. Matt's shoe, and danced around, singing "NEE NEEE NEE DEE DEE DEE DEE!!!" Dr. Matt is the only person who could explain that, too. "2706" is the number of Playgirls I've slept with this month. Curiously, that number is different in different regional editions. "97" is the number of new positions we discovered. "000" is the number Hugh Hefner slept with during the same period. "354" is my ATM code. It allows you to use it to turn on font substitution. That one's too obvious for someone with a big fat degree, like Dr. Matt McIrvin, to explain. "0001" is the counter which indicates how many people have read the article. "@" is a Cinnabon. "news.std.com" is short for "News Standardization Committee", which is working to ensure that world events stop changing from day to day, wasting everyone's time making Dan Rather do ANOTHER VERSION OF THE SAME NEWS SHOW EVERY DAY! He should just be able to TAPE it and run it until ratings drop! Now that we understand one of my headers, let us proceed with me quoting something I once said to Groucho Marx. In article , kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote: > > Speaking of unnatural food acts... > > Lately I've been wearing my Star Wars stormtrooper outfit while making > passionate love to my wife, the vivacious and charming Claudia Christian, > who is wearing Julie Newmar's old Catwoman suit with all the sparkles. > Also we're in a big bowl of black raspberry Jell-O(r) with marshmallows > in it, and Bob Hope is watching, shocked, as Beethoven's Fifteenth Symphony > plays on a Theremin and Jeff Minter makes the lights flicker. The reason I am posting this article was to make a correction. I didn't realize it, but those weren't marshmallows, they were fresh pineapple chunks. The reason Betty Crocker tells you NEVER TO PUT FRESH PINEAPPLE IN JELL-O(r) is that it is AN INCREDIBLY POTENT APHRODISIAC and is so powerful that ONLY KIBO AND CLAUDIA CHRISTIAN CAN WITHSTAND ITS EFFECTS. IN JELL-O(r). > I don't even want to tell you what I've been *dreaming* about, except that > it involves a woman's bare foot flooring the gas pedal of garbage truck > which is driving around underwater in a giant lava lamp while Jack Palance > says "I forget what my name is... but it began with... AN AHRRRRR!" Dr. Matt McIrvin again failed to educate the viewing audience as to the source reference for this. It is a chain of associations from (a) Accelerator Boy to (b) a recent alt.torture post about a guy who fantasizes about climbing into the back of a garbage truck while nude to (c) a callback to my post a while ago about scuba diving in a lava lamp to (d) avoiding a reference to Mike Bent's pantented Liver Lamp prop and finally (e) Jack Palance's character in Allen Smithee's "Solar Crisis", who says to Parker Lewis, "I FORGET WHAT MY NAME IS... BUT I KNOW THAT IT BEGAN WITH... AN AHRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!" Most actors underact when they're in a movie that obviously is gonna suck dead donkeys through a straw. (I mean, when Smithee is directing, you know you're in for it.) Not Jack Palance. He tries even harder in bad movies than he does in good ones. He's a genius! KALEEL! KALEEL! KALEEL! KALEEL! <-- Dr. Matt? > -- K. > I don't want to say how the > Cub Scout cap fits into this. That was a private joke which I'm not allowed to explain because it would greatly embarrass a certain B.E. > Okay, Bob Hope licks it. Happy? And I made that up. Because I don't like Bob Hope any more. -- K. I used to NOT LIKE him. Now I DON'T LIKE him. In the future, I WON'T LIKE him. This progression is HIS FAULT for NOT DYING.