Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,comp.sys.mac.advocacy Path: news.cinenet.net!syix.com!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!ais.net!uunet!in5.uu.net!world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Help Kibo Divorce Barbara Bain! Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: Date: Sun, 14 Sep 1997 09:15:15 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3619 centons, 88 microns, .02 hydrox Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0a010.std.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Organization: welcome datacomp X-Newsreader: Yet Another NewsWatcher 2.4.0 Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Lines: 77 Xref: news.cinenet.net alt.religion.kibology:39206 comp.sys.mac.advocacy:140323 X-Cache: nntpcache 1.0.6 (see ftp://suburbia.net/pub/nntpcache) Okay, I've been married to Barbara Bain for 23 hours, and I've only had sex four times, and she's not all that good. Also I never can tell when she's trolling me, I wish she had a ":-)" or ":-(" or something she could put on her forehead to indicate her emotions, if she has any, to other people. And I keep getting confused when she stands next to my somewhat melted wax sculpture of a faceless robot that was sandblasted. And my fingers are all wrinkly from helping her out of those wet paper bags she keeps trying to act her way out of. So, I need a divorce soon, or I will go insane. Like Steve Jobs. The problem is, I'm co-dependent enough that I can't go a day without being married to a BIG TV STAR, so before the divorce I'll have to re-marry my ex-wife, the vivacious and energetic Claudia Christian, formerly of TV's "Babylon 5". Only then can I split with the eerily Kubrickian Barbara Bain. But there's a catch. Claudia will only take me back if I prove my manhood by demonstrating that I'm a bigger genius than Steve Jobs is. I can do this only by thinking of a better, faster, cheaper, and more sadistic way of destroying Apple Computer Inc. than Steve Jobs can, and I'm not up to the task. So far I've tried: * Announcing that from now on Mac OS will have hardware copy protection that makes you type in a made-up city population from a dark red sheet printed in light blue every time you click the mouse or press a key. * Making a new computer shaped like Carl Sagan. * Replacing the buggy handwriting recognition in the Newton with 100% accurate fatass recognition, which makes every Newton shout, "HEY!!! YOU GOT SOME FAT ASS!!!" all the time, even when turned off. * Ensuring that every copy of Apple's new "Rhapsody" operating system will have the same serial number but a different version number. * Porting Mac OS to run ONLY on a Blip handheld game from the seventies. I don't mean all Blip games from the seventies, I mean *a* Blip game. It would then be filled with gunpowder and launched into the Sun. * Redesigning all of Apple's computers to use a five-thousand-volt power supply, and eliminating all insulation and the case to save money. Also they will all include a free durian jammed into the hottest part. * Moving the Apple corporate office to Troy, New York and renaming the company "Rancid Squidmaster Computers, Where We Listen To Vanilla Ice." We will simplify licensing by merely requiring all Mac users to use Mac OS on the corporate property in Troy. We will encourage brand recognition by using scratch-and-sniff ads to make people associate Apple computers with the smell of Troy. * Telling Motorola, Apple's primary supplier of PowerPC chips, to go screw themselves because Apple's so clever it can make computers without any sort of chips in them. Also the computers will be guaranteed to make every user able to fly, or we'll pay each of them a billion dollars. * Gathering all of Apple's assets, inventory, records, personnel, and stock certificates and detonating a big nuclear warhead to vaporize them. None of these strategies is as efficient as Steve Jobs's plan for destroying Apple from the inside. This is where YOU come in! YOU CAN HELP KIBO DESTROY APPLE! And then Kibo can divorce the harrowingly unimpeachable Barbara Bain! Please post your ideas for how to destroy Apple to alt.religion.kibology. NOTE: Do not mail ideas for how to destroy alt.religion.kibology to Apple. -- K. The form factor of the Mac ecosystem's zero maintenance application memory footprint in the Yellow Box's resource fork's metadata has driven Steve Jobs insane!