Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: news.cinenet.net!syix.com!news-spur1.maxwell.syr.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!nntp.giganews.com!korova.insync.net!uunet!in1.uu.net!world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: What would be neat. Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: Date: Tue, 19 May 1998 05:07:15 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8162 centons, 89 microns, .02 abians References: <6jl4a5$2b0@amy5.Stanford.EDU> <6jq758$9m2@nntp02.primenet.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ppp0a004.std.com Organization: welcome datacomp X-Newsreader: MT-NewsWatcher 2.4.4 Lines: 297 Xref: news.cinenet.net alt.religion.kibology:63178 X-Cache: nntpcache 1.0.6 (see ftp://suburbia.net/pub/nntpcache) Michael Straight wrote: > > When I was a little kid, I saw some evil cartoon (I think in school!) > aiming to get kids not to eat too much candy (I think). There was a boy > who ate too much candy and was kind of fat and snuck into a candy factory > or something. And the factory captured him and strapped him into a chair > which was on a track and moved through the factory. And the chair had > these prongs which held the boy's mouth open. And as the chair moved > through the factory, various kinds of candy were dumped into the kid's > mouth (to his horror), making him fatter and fatter. Until finally he > came to the end of the "ride" and he was too fat to get out the door until > these other two kids came along and helped him or something. > > And I'm getting a queasy feeling just typing this. Because I had > nightmares about this cartoon for a long time, to the point that I'm not > sure anymore if the cartoon really existed or if it was just my own > made-up nightmare based on Willy Wonka and Winnie the Pooh or something. > Except I was a scrawny little kid with no particular addiction to candy. > > Is there anyone else who was scarred for life by this cartoon or who knows > someone who was? Okay, Michael, allow me to undo your psychic scarring! (FADE IN on lettering which is slightly off-center to make it look "with it". There is badly distorted educational-film trumpet music.) Kibo presents TOO MUCH CANDY IS GOOD FOR YOU An After-School Special Show (A KID is returning home from trick-or-treating. He is dressed as Evel Knievel and carries an old pillowcase full of generic candy, such as licorice allsorts, ribbon candy, and those little dots on adding-machine tape. He enters the living room.) KID Oh boy! I got candy! MOMMY Now Michael, don't eat all that candy tonight! Save half of it for breakfast. DADDY And remember to give the Pope 10% of it! KID Okay Mommy! Okay Daddy! Now I'm gonna eat my candy! Bye! (He runs into his bedroom, which is decorated with generic road signs such as "SPEED LIMIT", "STREET", and red octagons which say "SLOW". He dumps the pillowcase of candy out onto the bed and then shouts "Whee!" and does a belly-flop into the pile of candy. We see a cowboy poster on his wall. A tear runs down the face of the cowboy.) COWBOY (on poster, smoking) Hey, kid! Don't play with your food! Just eat the friggin' candy! UNCLE SAM (on a WWII-era "I Want You!" poster) Yeah, kid! Candy's for the eatin'! I want you... to eat candy! TEDDY BEAR I wish I were real so I could eat candy! KID Oh boy! I got a LOT of candy! (He picks one up and pops it into his mouth, then immediately falls asleep. Harp glissandos. His bed floats into the air and flies out the window with him lying face down. It passes over The Magical Candy Factory Of Learning and dumps him into a smokestack. His body gets all swirly as he spirals down the smokestack like drain water. He lands on a giant marshmallow.) KID Hey! My bed got softer! Wait, this isn't a bed, it's a marshmallow! Maybe this isn't my bedroom! (Two robots, KNINK and KNANK, enter.) KNINK & KNANK (singing, together) Weeeeee rep-re-sent the Magical Candy Factory the Magical Candy Factory the Magical Candy Factory Of Learrrrrrrr-ninnnngggggggg! KNINK We're here to teach you-- KNANK --to teach you-- KNINK --teach you stuff! KNANK --fun stuff. KNINK & KNANK (together) JUST BECAUSE WE LIKE YOU! KID Wow! But... Hey! What could anyone possibly learn from a candy factory? KNINK Here, watch this educational-- KNANK --this educational TV show. KNINK It's educational, you know. (They wheel in a big candy-encrusted console TV with a scary smiling face where the picture tube should be. They push it very close to the kid's face. The TV opens its mouth and spits a stream of acid in the boy's face.) KID YAAAAAAGH!!! IT'S ACID! MY EYES, MY EYES! KNINK Ha ha ha ha! KNANK Hee hee hee hee! KNINK & KNANK (together) Don't be silly, that's CANDY acid! KID (licking his face) Wow! You're right! It tastes good! KNINK Good for you, too! KNANK Betcha never knew learning about candy could taste so good! KID Holy cow! I wanna learn more! I wanna learn so much more I could burst! KNINK & KNANK (together) If that is your wish, o master, then thy will be done! (The two robots embrace and there is a flash of light. They turn into a robotic, candy-covered chair. The chair grabs the kid and straps him in with licorice rope.) KID (giggling) That tickles! CHAIR Careful, don't fall out! (The chair rolls onto the factory floor. A huge machine is dripping out tiny chocolate drops. Each one makes a different musical note as it comes out of the nozzle.) CHAIR This is how chocolate bars are made. First we make chocolate drops, then we melt them in a special bar-shaped mold! Would you like to see the mold? KID Sure! CHAIR Here you go! (The chair holds up a candy bar covered with green fuzz and shoves it into the kid's mouth. He immediately becomes morbidly obese, and develops high-water pants.) CHAIR Mmmmmmmmmm, mold! KID (with his mouth full) Thif tafes delifif! CHAIR No talking in the factory, kid! Even with your mouth full! Next stop, Nougatland! (The chair passes under a waterfall of melted nougat. The kid now has three-eights of an inch of it all over.) KID I can't breathe! CHAIR Then you need a dip! (The chair jumps off a high-diving board into a vat of candy shell. The chair climbs out and now the kid has a glossy red shell. A hydraulic stamper comes down from the ceiling and prints a white "K" on his belly.) KID (being suffocated) MMMMMFFFFF!!! MMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!! CHAIR Wanna see how peanuts are shelled? KID MMMMMMMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFF!!! MMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!! CHAIR Okay, we'll skip that one and look at how candy canes get their stripes! (The chair rolls over to where Jack Nicholson has just had his nostril slit open in "Chinatown". He is picking up plain white candy canes and screwing them into his nose, then pulling them out with red stripes.) KID (passing out) Mmmmmfffff... mmm... CHAIR Hey, kid, you don't sound so good. In fact, you sound DEAD! Guess you should've eaten more candy! (There is a flash of light and an explosions as the chair separates into KNINK and KNANK. The kid, still covered in goop and unconscious, falls to the floor. Several elephants, covered with fluorescent psychedelic swirls that keep changing color, stampede over him.) KNINK (to KNANK) Looks like Michael learned his lesson! KNANK (to KNINK) Yes, Michael learned his lesson! About candy! KNINK The lesson about candy is that you should always eat it! KNANK Yes, you should always eat candy! (Both turn to stare into the camera in extreme close-up.) KNINK & KNANK (together) ...BEFORE THE CANDY EATS YOU! (The robots explode, and it begins raining candy.) (FADE TO BLACK) TITLE CARD: AN ENCYCLOPEDIA NECCONICA EDUCATIONAL FILM -- K. I hope this sets everything back to normal, like the end of a wacky sitcom where Chachi has to dress up as an Arab sheik.