Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: news.cinenet.net!news.ececs.uc.edu!newsfeeds.sol.net!feed1.news.erols.com!cwix!uunet!in3.uu.net!uucp5.uu.net!world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: What I Discovered Today. And Jumanji! Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Kibo-Equipment: Synchro Universal Sinometric Integrated Equitensor (SUSIE) Date: Sat, 15 Feb 1997 06:40:20 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6813 centons, 92 microns, .01 zontars Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Nntp-Posting-Host: world.std.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Organization: welcome datacomp X-Newsreader: Yet Another NewsWatcher 2.4.0 Lines: 86 Xref: news.cinenet.net alt.religion.kibology:19472 1.) Know how everything "cherry"-flavored is made with that same chemical that they use to flavor cough syrup, except for Cherry Pez which have been unavailable in the U.S. for 20 years because they had the other, better, hyper-addictive "cherry" chemical flavor? Well, I.B.C., the people who make root beer and creme soda in the labelless bottles, now have a cherry soda which TASTES JUST LIKE CHERRY PEZ!!!! 2.) On the train today, in front of me, was a guy wearing a do-rag. Wait, that's not the weird part. He was chewing incense. Those foot-long sticks the guy sells from the card table in front of Tower Records. (He was chewing the uncoated tail end. He had two of them sticking out of his mouth.) And here's the weird part: he was ALSO CHEWING GUM!!! 3.) I just watched "Jumanji" on cable and was moved to type this into my email. This is not a formal review, so you can't complain that I omitted any key details: "Jumanji" is one of the four or five movies that have made me want to POKE THE GUTS OUT OF EVERYONE INVOLVED. I don't know where to start, except that it reminded me of "Radio Flyer" only with Robin "usually funny" Williams, Bonnie "usually funny" Hunt, David Alan "usually funny" Grier, and Bebe "sometimes funny" Neuwirth and a horde of blue-fringed monkeys. The plot goes like this: In 1969, the boy's parents don't really love him and the other kids beat him up because his father owns the factory and they're going to send him to boarding school and he's not allowed to have any fun and Stepin Fetchit works in the factory and he just invented the hi-top inflatable felony shoe but the kid accidentally runs the prototype through the shredder so Stepin Fetchit gets fired and the kid finds a board game on the ground and he gets sucked in and then everyone thinks he's been murdered and his girl friend goes insane and his parents die. In 1995, a woman buys the house and moves in with her two kids but they're not really hers because one had his mother killed in Desert Storm and his father killed by a drunk driver and the other had her mother killed in an elevator accident and her father killed while rock climbing or something and they play the board game and like the other kid they're fascinated by how magnets under the table make the pieces slide around and killer mosquitoes come out and then a lion comes out but the lion goes to sleep in the bedroom and every five minutes for the rest of the movie they check and the lion's still asleep and man-eating plants come out and Robin "not funny" Williams comes out and a hunter comes out and a pelican comes out and the pelican takes the game and they get it back then they drop the game in the river then they get it back then the hunter takes the game so they take it back but he takes it again and they take it again and they blind him with a laser and he's okay and they dump 10,000 paint cans on him and he's okay then Robin Williams starts drowning in the floor and the girl gets bitten by a fatally poisonous spider then the hunter comes back and he's gonna shoot Robin Williams but then he remembered what his abusive father told him about facing his fears so he lets the hunter shoot him but he dropped his dice and one's been rolling down the stairs for the last five minutes and it's a two so he wins and the bullets stops an inch from his face and everything gets sucked back into the game and it's 1969 and the boy's young again but he and his girlfriend remember everything that happened up to 1995 and they grow up to get married and they meet the kids that they met in 1995 and save their parents from dying!!!! Oh and I forgot one of the kids slowly turns into a monkey for no reason, and there's a long sequence where they go to the shopping mall to knock stuff over for a while like "Gremlins". You know this is the kind of movie where sooner or later some cast member will start singing the "Gilligan's Island" theme song, and it happens. RETARDORAMA!!!!!! It REALLY reminded me of "Radio Flyer", the movie in which the kids get beat up over and over by their alchoholic, abusive father, and eventually they turn their little red RADIO FLYER(R) BRAND WAGON, A PRODUCT OF THE RADIO FLYER(R) CORPORATION into an airplane but first they meet the only other guy who tried this when he was a kid and now he's crippled but they do it anyway and they whack the dad's skull open with their airplane and the little kid sails off and is never seen again and the other grows up to be TOM HANKS!!!!!! "Radio Flyer" is the most fundamentally misconceived movie EVER. Ranks right up there with "Bugsy Malone" (all-singing, all-dancing, all-pre-pubescent-cast gangster movie with kids spraying each other with whipped cream that hardens into plaster), "The Unborn II" (Robin Curtis blows away babies with a machine gun), "Frozen Assets" (Corbin Bernsen doesn't realize he's running a SPERM bank for the first half hour) and the live-action "George Of The Jungle". -- K. And stop complaing about the rivers in my typography! This isn't typography, this is brain surgery!!!